I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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