I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
