If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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