and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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