You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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