I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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