I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
