I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
