she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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