I will die if light touches me.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
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