also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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