I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just invented taco cereal.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
