Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
How does one acquire holy water?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
