Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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