Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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