I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
