Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
