Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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