So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
