If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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