I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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