did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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