babies were throwing up all over the place
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
