I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
