I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Your topless pictures make me question reality
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
