my sisters under your porch take her home
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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