Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
