the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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