Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i've created a new STD.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
