Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
