i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Your cock deserves a montage
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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