Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
