My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
