So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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