what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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