I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
