You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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