he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
