They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
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your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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