Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
