I got chris browned last night
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
