college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
