does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
