At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
