question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
