u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
