so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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