She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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