There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
