i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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