I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
