I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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