party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
