really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
