hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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