so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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