i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I supernannyed him into submission
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
