I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
